Angry Prayer

Psalm 22  1-5  The Message
^1-2 God, God...my God! Why did you dump me
      miles from nowhere?
   Doubled up with pain, I call to God
      all the day long. No answer. Nothing.
   I keep at it all night, tossing and turning.

 ^3-5 And you! Are you indifferent, above it all,
      leaning back on the cushions of Israel's praise? 

Overall the week went great for me, lots of music, spent time with my husband and son,  had a friend visit and was able to serve another friend that has many needs.  It is March madness, and I love basketball, so things were good.  It was so much better than my week previous...where I spent the time in silence waiting on the Spirit, feeling very sad. So again, I set out on my strategic prayer blog plan.  Which, decidedly, has not happened.

Because now I am angry.  And the prayer/prayer blog I had in mind doesn't fit the day.

Listen to my story and you will know why.

I have a friend.  We have been close for over 10 years, and I have witnessed her endure terrible suffering.  First she had a baby die, then was diagnosed with Lupus and almost died in the hospital.  Her husband left her, and she could not work.  She remarried and they had another baby, who also died.  Then a miscarriage. Then they tried to adopt, took the infant home and were informed they had to return the baby the next day..the mom had changed her mind.  On Thursday March 17 she was pregnant and healthy and hopeful in her 3rd trimester with a baby boy on the way.

On Friday she gave birth and the baby died.



So yeah, I am angry.

I remember sitting outside the hospital when she was 23 years old, with kidney failure- told she would not live past that day.  Yelling in my car, out loud- at God....told Him I didn't appreciate how He was handling the situation.   So angry.  Ticked off.  And I let Him have it.

So today I feel the same.  I got home from church feeling great and now, not so much.

Now I have 2 big problems.  The first is that I am pretty angry at God.  The other is I pray and pray and pray for others and it seems as though He just says NO.  I mean, I could sorta understand if the prayer were for me..but I have been praying for her for a long, long time. REALLY GOD??? SERIOUSLY?  You couldn't answer one prayer I have for her?  Just one?

So it has clearly not been a day of prayer in the conventional sense.  I have not been doing much prayer filled adoring (praising God) today or supplication (asking for help for myself or others.)  The sitting in silence is making me mad.  The brief prayers seem pointless. I am stuck on angry.

Could just stay there and stew.  Or just throw up my hands and say "what's the point?"

But I am not going to.  I am going to tell God I am angry.  Tell Him that I don't understand.  And I think he is big enough that he will not hold it against me.  Scripture is pretty full of people unhappy with God, angry at times.  David prayed those prayers, the "how long oh Lord, will you hide your face from me?  how long will you let my enemies win? How long do I have to wait and run?"

As for the understanding, do I really think I will get more understanding of suffering? Or the reason why He is not answering my prayer in the way I want?  No.  That answer is really not for me to know.  But I think it will help me to tell Him.  When I am mad, He hears me and cares.  When I am frustrated, He wants me to talk to Him.   I think He understands when we are frustrated with suffering.  I actually think He is frustrated, too.  Because this is not the way it was set up.  He set it up perfectly.  We were the ones who screwed up. Sin and all its ramifications reverberates through every life on earth.

And even though I helped screwed it up, and I am angry at Him...He still hears me, cares, wants to love me and help me.   He is listening, and loving, even when I am angry like tonight.  God is the God of the angry as well as the joy-filled.  That is a relief AND a revelation.


Photo credit: Olivia Brigham  copyright 2011